Abandonment Health Article

Infancy and toddlerhood

Children in this stage of development understand little, if anything, about abandonment. However, they are aware of the emotional climate of the family. For the remaining parent, it is important to cuddle and care for the infant or toddler warmly, frequently, and consistently. The parent-child relationship continues to be central to the child's sense of security and independence.

Preschool

Preschoolers tend to have a limited and mistaken perception of abandonment. They are highly self-centered with a strict sense of right and wrong. So when bad things happen to them, they usually blame themselves by assuming they did something wrong. Children this age often interpret the departure of a parent as a personal rejection. Youngsters are likely to deny the reality of the abandonment and wish intently for the parent to return. They can also regress to behaviors such as thumb sucking, bed wetting, temper tantrums, and clinging to a favorite blanket or toy. They also fear abandonment by the other parent. They generally become afraid of the dark and of being alone.

School age

By the time children reach the early school years, ages six to nine, they can no longer deny the reality of the abandonment. They are extremely aware of the pervasive pain and sadness. Boys, especially, mourn the loss of their fathers, and their anger is frequently directed at their mothers. Crying, daydreaming, and problems with friends and in school are common abandonment behaviors in children of this age.

In the age group of nine to 12, adolescents usually react to abandonment with anger. They may also resent the additional household duties expected of them. There is also a significant disruption in the child's ability to learn. Anxiety, restlessness, inability to concentrate, and intrusive thoughts about the abandonment take a toll and can lead to a drop in school performance and difficulties with classmates.

Feelings of sadness, loneliness, guilt, lack of self worth, and self-blame are common in nine to 12-year-olds. They also tend to have concerns about family life, worry about finances, and feel they are a drain on the remaining parent's resources.

In children ages 13 to 18, the feelings are usually the same as with the younger groups except more pronounced. They become concerned about their own futures. Truancy is high, school performance is low, and they have a distorted view of themselves. In this population there is a high incidence of drug and alcohol abuse and aggressive behavior.

The teen may also withdraw from all relationships, including those with friends, family, and classmates, and become extremely dependent on the remaining parent. Teens may also react by becoming sexually promiscuous at an early age, sometimes to the point of addiction. Sometimes, however, the child makes valuable decisions about their own future and values.

Common problems

Problems to watch for include trouble sleeping, crying, aggression, deep anger and resentment, feelings of betrayal, difficulty concentrating, chronic fatigue, and problems with friends or at school.

Parental concerns

The remaining parent should be aware of the effects of the abandonment on the child and above all, reassure the child that the remaining parent will not abandon them.

When to call the doctor

Medical help may be needed if the abandoned child inflicts self-injury. Psychological counseling may also be needed to help the child understand and cope with the abandonment. This is especially true if any of the common reactions lasts for an unusual amount of time, intensifies over time, or if the child talks about or threatens suicide.

BOOKS

Anderson, Susan. The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. New York: Berkley Books, 2000.

Lyster, Mimi E. Child Custody. Berkeley, CA: Nolo Press, 2003.

Peterson, Marion, and Diane Warner. Single Parenting for Dummies. New York: Wiley & Sons, 2003.

Teyber, Edward. Helping Children Cope with Divorce. New York: Jossey-Bass, 2001.